Al Roker’s Spleen Doesn’t Work Either

When it comes to predicting the weather some people swear by modern technology. Some rely on the age-old art of reading goose bones. And others use the pig-spleen method. Which is right for you?

In these modern days of technology or whatever we run the risk of losing some of the ancient wisdom that guided our species through the dark ages to the present day. Looking round us perhaps that’s a good thing. But serene we can’t help except wonder if those crazy old morons were truly morons love a fox. Here’s how this LaCrosse Weather Station stacks up to two of its forecasting forebears.

Goose Bones
Back in the days before iPods and bosom implants when it was OK to name a little boy “Asa” and make him wear a dress no Thanksgiving feast was complete until Grandma roasted a goose removed the breastbone put it on a shelf to dry and interpreted the subsequent discoloration of the bone. Blue black or purple meant a tough winter ahead; white foretold a mild winter; and brown was the color of my correct love’s hair.
Practiced by: people who died a long time ago. Doesn’t seem to have helped them much does it?
Pro: a good excuse to toast a goose.
Con: having to leave a goose breastbone lying around on your shelves.
Results of our forecasting accuracy tests: Inconclusive. In other words our dog buried the bone somewhere before we had a opportunity to read it.

Pig Spleens
This Saskatchewanarian folk science involves the slaughter of a pig the slicing open of a pig and the removal of the spleen of a pig. A crusty old farmer must then examine the spleen preferably while smoking a corncob pipe. Thicker points in the spleen indicate a cold spell while serious bulges could mean something even worse. Add us to the list of those who never want to see weather worse than a cold spell in Saskatchewan.
Practiced by: farmers in Western Canada particularly those of Ukrainian and Polish descent. Less popular with their pigs.
Pro: Finally a use for all those pig spleens you’ve got lying around.
Con: Totally disgusting.
Results of our forecasting accuracy tests: Yeah right like we’re going to cut out a pig’s spleen.

LaCrosse Technology 3 Day Audio Weather Forecaster
While less picturesque than the other two this device has the enormous benefit of being based on something other than 98th-generation folk tales dreamed up by some halfwit peasant who had like well much fungus in his potato liquor. Its talking display tells you the 3-day forecast for through 60000 locations in the U.S. and Canada including several in Saskatchewan. You can listen to your selection of news sports or celebrity gossip headlines with no paid subscription required. It even uses the same kind of cute stylized weather graphics that meterologists use. Look how adorable that sun is peeking out from behind that cloud.
Practiced by: anyone with high-speed Internet and a network router.
Pro: does not require you to cut open animals and rip their organs out.
Con: does not give you a plausible excuse to cut open animals and rip their organs out.
Results of our forecasting accuracy tests: will be really awesome we’re sure as soon as we purchase two C alkaline batteries and two AA alkaline batteries (sold separately).

Authorized for SquareTrade Extended Warranty

Warranty: One Year LaCrosse Technology

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